I have considered annihilating this blog several times in the past and more so recently. I look back at some of the things I have written and cringe. Not only that but I flat out disagree with some of it. Many of my beliefs have changed in the last year and a half. I hope matured. For now though, I have decided to revive this blog without deleting it. Maybe it will help someone to see my transition. Unfortunately, I didn't blog much of it for a couple of reasons. First, I didn't blog about it out of fear of freaking people out, or being called a heretic. Second, I hadn't fully processed everything I was going through so it was hard to express or put in words, probably still is. That of course, would only lead to more misunderstanding and excommunication.
It is easy on my personal blog to post pictures of the kids and talk about funny story's from work, but it is hard to bare my heart. My wife has always been better at that. This is why I started this blog though, to go deeper than just posting funny youtube video's or discussing news events.
So I guess I will try. Try to communicate the change that has happened in my life and is still happening. Try to explain what shook my faith in who God is and what my relationship to him should be. Try to show how I have come out on the other side better for it. I had a lot of beliefs that held me down like chains wrapped around me. They made perfect sense, I could explain them logically and defend them boldly. I had a lot more answers back then. I guess I have gotten dumber over the last year and a half, but I would rather live wondering what the truth of heaven is than putting faith in a lie from hell.
I am sure my vagueness is annoying, but if you have bothered reading this far, then please understand that it took me months and months of wrestling with God and truth to come to what few answers I have now. There is no possible way that I can cram that in a few short paragraphs here. I will say this for now... God is much better than I ever dreamed he was and, to borrow a phrase from someone else, I am gratefully disillusioned.
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3 comments:
Wow, that last line is really cheesy. Sorry, even now I want to delete the post b/c I don't like putting myself out there like that.
I think you are definitely smarter, not dumber. Thank you for having the courage to post. I am eager to hear more of how you will describe your transition.
Heath,
You are incredibly brave to put yourself out there. Writing is difficult; publishing your writing is terrifying because it makes us vulnerable.
I haven't even liked to answer blogs.
But I'm willing to take a chance since you are.
Actually, I am disillusioned as well. And I'm beginning to be grateful about it.
Anxious to hear more.
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